“We Did What We Could”

As I sit here and reflect on the unforgettable experience of birthing during a pandemic, it's hard to find the right words to truly capture its essence. It was a time unlike anything any of us had ever faced before, and I pray that we never have to endure something like that again. Now, three years down the road, the pain isn't as raw as it once was but the memories still linger vividly.

During those challenging times, countless women, including myself, went through the birthing process all alone—overwhelmed, frightened and trying to navigate a constantly changing maternity system. Despite the hurdles, there were moments of positivity and beauty in the journey. But, I can't deny that it also came with heartbreak and its fair share of challenges.

For me, it was the postnatal period that proved to be the most difficult. I felt like I had lost my way and my sense of identity. Becoming a mother for the second time during the time of COVID forever linked me to the experience and while it transformed me in ways I could never have imagined, it wasn't without its struggles.

In March 2022, I wrote this heartfelt poem, not just as a means of catharsis for myself but as something I hope my son can read in the years to come. I want him to know what we went through and how we managed to overcome it all. Little did I know that this profound experience would lead me to discover my life's calling—to become a doula.

If you're reading this, I extend my heartfelt wishes to you. May you find peace and strength in the words shared here. Remember, you're not alone in your journey and there's always love and support to carry you through.

With much love, Amy x

When you were in your home also known as my tummy,

I had so many hopes and aspirations for when I became your mummy.

A life of adventures and memories that would last years and years,

I felt I had some understanding and would be prepared for some tears.

Then one month before you arrived earthside the world was turned upside down,

I was told I could not leave my home, not to take one step into town.

The world around us became silent, ghostly and lonely,

The skies were empty, there were birds and clouds only.

 

The dreams of our home birth for you became just that,

Day after day I would sit and cry on the bathroom mat.

Wondering why and how it all went so wrong?

For a beautiful home birth I had been planning for so long.

 

With so much change and uncertainty day after day,

One thing I was certain of was that I would birth my way.

It would be calm, it would be beautiful, undisturbed,

There would be no bright lights or feeling observed.

 

On the evening of Friday 24th of April my surges were strong,

I knew this time round this birth wouldn’t take long.

We were in tune with each other and riding each wave,

Listening to affirmations and the power they gave.

 

We arrived at the birth centre to be greeted by a familiar face,

Our midwife Tara who I so wanted to embrace.

She showed us to our room where the lights were down low,

I got into the pool, where the water was warm and all a glow.

 

I didn’t have long in the pool before you arrived,

I couldn’t wait to meet you and hold you earthside.

That moment will stay with me forever and ever,

I had birthed in a pandemic and we’d done it together.

You were so tiny, so perfect, all ten fingers and toes,

Right there in that moment I didn’t have any woes.

We had our golden hour and you had your first feed,

It was then I promised to give you all that you need.

 

As the days went by, we were in our perfect newborn bubble,

Shutting out the world which we knew was in trouble.

Adjusting to our new life as a family of four,

It was a strange feeling knowing no one would knock on our door.

 

Food parcels were dropped off and plenty of zoom calls,

But inside I was struggling juggling all of the balls.

Trying to establish feeding a newborn with a toddler to entertain,

The postpartum period this time just wasn’t the same.

 

I missed my mum, her hugs and the words ‘you’re doing great’,

By four weeks I wanted a visitor but knew I had to wait.

It was now that breastfeeding was becoming challenging,

So much crying, so many tears it was very discouraging.

 

I was feeling like a failure, like I wanted to scream.

What was happening to my breastfeeding dream?

I had had this vision of feeding for a couple of years,

Instead I was met with so many tears.

 

I sought help in the only ways I could,

Via telephone and video but I still felt misunderstood.

I felt I was failing you and neglecting my other son,

It was an internal battle that I could not of won.

 

Our breastfeeding journey ended at exactly twelve weeks,

I made the hard decision after trying all the little tweaks.

It was a whirlwind of emotions and major mum guilt,

I kept telling myself there’s no point ‘crying over spilt milk’.

 

I wonder if we had our time again thing would have been different,

Could it have been something truly magnificent?

We worked as a team for as long as we could,

And called it a day when I felt that we should.

 

George, I want to thank you for all that you’ve shown me,

Since you’ve been in my life I have never been lonely.

You’ve inspired me to follow my hopes and my dreams,

To nurture and support families to find their routines.

 

I am educating myself on all the breastfeeding knowledge,

Don’t you worry I wont be running off to college.

But if I can help a mother to protect her breastfeeding goal,

It will bring so much joy and warmth to my soul.

The pandemic maybe a hazy memory for everyone now,

But the pain and emotions are still with me somehow.

My beautiful covid baby you will always be,

But a fighter you are and the world will see!